Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
They are going to name an STD after you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
