After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
