I wish I only lived at night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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