how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
