You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
