so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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