jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
