I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
