You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
