girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
