So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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