Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
