I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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