I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly