ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.