im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
