At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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