a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I FOUND THE LEGS
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
