Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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