i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
