Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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