and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
