I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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