she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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