Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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