god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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