Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
