my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
