remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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