plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
