Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
