Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
