When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
