I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
