I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
