the condom got lost in my hair
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
