I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
