My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
