So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
