when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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