Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize