i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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