In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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