My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
