i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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