dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
