Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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