my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
