Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
