I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
