You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
