she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
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There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize