Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
