i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
