That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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