Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
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you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize