I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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