I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
