Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
