Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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